Indapapayus Journals

After working these past few years in what they call a ‘leading-edge’ semiconductor research company, I feel na na-bu-burn out na ako. Lately kasi, parang nahihirapan na akong makisabay sa mga kay tatalinong hapon na kasama ko sa trabaho (mas marami yata silang nakaing iodized salt nung bata sila). I wonder if this means na na-re-reach ng ng utak ko ang kanyang ‘maximum capacity’. Maraming magsasabi na walang limits sa learning capacity ng tao…if the will is there, anything can happen. And I was one of them ‘sayers’ then pero parang hirap na ako sa pag-keep ng faith ngayon. Maybe I should listen more to Bon Jovi.

So what keeps me going then? the love of the game ba? Masarap ang feeling na you belong to a very prestigious company with all the glamour attached (ang sarap sabihin that your work involves semikondachters, litograpi, ekstreem oltrabiolet and all those other technical big words). I also know na if I keep at what I’m doing now and push myself harder in learning more, I will probably find some nice reward of fulfillment and hopefully a lot of ‘moolah’ at the end of this tunnel.

‘Giving up’ is something I hate though kaya hangga’t may natitirang lakas ang aking mga foots ay lalakad at tatakbo ako papunta sa kung saan mang destinasyon na kailangan kong marating (ika nga ‘hindi ko kayo tatantanin!!!’). Pero hanggang saan ko ba makakayang itulak ang sarili ko? Literally, mahirap syang gawin in the first place (paano nga ba?). Hanggang kelan ko ba makakayang gisingin ang sarili everyday at 5AM in the morning para mahabol ang 5:30 train at mag-biyahe ng 2 oras to reach work at 7AM? Kelan ko ba kayang indahin ang mga hindi ganun ka-discreet na racist sarcasm na tinatapon sa akin ng boss ko each time he sees me? At kelan ko ba mararating ang tuktok nitong mountain of knowledge na pilit kong inaakyat (or pinapaakyat sa akin).

Siguro masokista lang ako dahil even at these conditions nakukuha ko pang ngumiti. Kinakatakot ko lang ay baka one of these days ngumingiti na ako for no reason (as in ngirit!).

8 years in Japan. I’m in a place called a ‘super clean room’. Working under controlled temperatures at 23 degrees Celsius, Humidity at 11% and all unnecessary particles cut out through specially manufactured filters…and all of this ay to discover kung upon exposure to Extreme Ultra Violet light may lalabas bang harmful chemicals sa film materials used in making super-small semiconductor chips. ‘Harmful’ not to humans per se, but to the million-dollar lenses installed in the machines used to make these chips.

It’s 7:24PM on a Friday night and I’m tired but I still have one sample measurement to go, which means I have to stay put for 3 more hours. Gusto ko nang umuwi. Home to my lovely wife Caryn who’s not feeling so good now, with her sinusitis especially in this cold winter season. I also want to go home na dahil I still have to practice some songs for our performance this coming Sunday. I’m glad my boss didn’t ask me to report this weekend dahil at least may isang araw ako to familiarize with our planned repertoire.

Lately kasi, hindi na kami makapag-rehearse ng grupo ng maayos dahil hindi magkatugma-tugma ang mga schedules namin. Ito ang mahirap for a group like ours, iba-iba ang priorities and playing music is just one of those things you do on the weekends. Hindi naman kasi pwede ang ipilit na mag-practice when you know na may dissertation na tinatapos ang vocalist at lead guitarist nyo. Or dahil may private English teaching job na naka-schedule ang isa pa. I myself ay hindi rin ganun ka-stable ang schedule kaya nahihirapan ding mag-commit ng time. Nakakatakot nga eh, dahil baka in the end, magiging masyadong busy na ang mga tao to even show up for practice. When that happens, I wonder kung mawawala na lang ang grupo na parang nag-fe-fade out na kanta. Or even if it doesn’t die a natural death, I wonder if we’d ever find a way to get out of this state we’re in now. Hindi naman sya stalemate pero at this point parang hindi rin sya makalipad…more of umuusad siguro. Although I must say na I never even dreamed na makaabot sa ganitong stage ang musikang ginagawa namin. People actually listen and sing our songs! Ansarap namnamin ng fulfillment in being appreciated for something you’ve worked hard for. And this is one more reason why I feel na we shouldn’t stop here. I hope na in time, we could find a balance between what we ‘need to do’ and what we ‘love to do’.

Three years. That’s how long it took me to realize na si Caryn na nga talaga ang ‘the One’. Wala naman siyang resemblance kay Jet Li pero it’s very difficult for me to imagine a life without her. I woke up every morning with the overwhelming gratitude sa Taas for having allowed me the opportunity to meet her. Makes me wonder why it took me all this time to come to this decision of asking her to marry me. But now that my heart was ‘game na game na!’, isa na lang ang problema; How do I ask her?

I’ve always had the problem of ‘timing’ and if there’s something that has to be just right, I felt that this has to be it. Nagbasa-basa ako ng mga reference materials in the hope of compensating for this lack-of-ability-to and learned that napaka-importanteng bagay para sa mga girls ang marinig ‘ito’ in the right place and time…mas marami daw kasi ang romantics on their side of the species. And knowing Caryn, I felt that she deserved the courtesy of having the right romantic timing for such a big moment. So off I went to plan the proposal.

First things first, I need a ring. Based on my previous analyses; gusto ni Caryn nung mga accessory na kakaiba ang shape or design pero at the same time, dapat hindi rin mukhang cheap. Buti na lang at I’ve been paying attention to these details whenever I went shopping with her (nangyayari lang to though on the first 30 minutes…after that, hanap na ako ng ‘boyfriend seat’ within the store dahil na-reach ko na ang ‘shopping-stamina threshold’ ko). Anyway, equipped with the ample information I had, I was so sure that at the end of the day I’ll hold in my hand the first ingredient to my fool-proof plan; ‘the ring’. But as I walked into the jewelry store, parang nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig ang aking confidence dahil sa dami ng mga selections that faced me (as in, meny-meny!). I looked and I looked pero parang blanko ang isip ko and all the specifics I’ve set have dissolved. What to do?!

Sanay yata ang mga tindera sa mga katulad kong parang nawawalang tupa so they guided me through the process. ‘What is your budget?’ was the first info they needed. After telling them the amount, they asked me more questions like ‘ilang taon na ang pagbibigyan mo?’, ‘ano ang paborito nyang bato? (hindi yung drugs)’, etc. Going through a number of choices, I was able to find one that I know will fit Caryn nicely (or so I hoped). I walked home feeling like Golum habang hawak-hawak ko ang box that contains ‘my precious’.

Next, I wanted to surprise Caryn kaya I didn’t want to be conspicuous by choosing a place na masyadong out of the ordinary. Ayaw ko ring maging masyadong regular ang lugar dahil special nga ang event na ‘to. I wanted to ask somebody but I didn’t want to risk it dahil baka magkabukuhan. I searched the net for whatever I could find pero I wasn’t so good at obtaining information this way kaya wala rin akong napag-desisyunan. The places I passed by on my way to work weren’t the kind I looked for either (pangit naman kasi na i-pop ang question habang humihigop kayo ng mainit na ramen). I was getting panicky dahil masyadong malakas ang power ng ‘ring’ that I took with me wherever I went (call me ‘sigurista’). Ayoko rin patagalin pa dahil masyadong transparent ang mukha ko and knowing Caryn, she would detect if I was up to something and would eventually squeeze the info out of me (mukha kasi akong guilty). So I made up my mind and thought; hayaan ko na lang ang opportunity to present itself. That way, mas natural ang dating and I wouldn’t stutter so much in anticipation.

Fast forward: Caryn and I just finished a nice dinner and we’re waiting for our dessert. We were talking about life in general and I was trying to gear the conversation to topics touching on ‘our future together’ (he he…not so discreet but anyway). Then I felt it. ‘This is it!’ The moment has come. And being the one who will hold on to opportunity like an alimatok on your skin, I calmly gathered my thoughts to retrieve that one sentence I need to get through this moment. The sentence, that in the past few weeks of preparing for this event; I FORGOT TO PREPARE!!(Ahay). I wished for the desserts to come. And what do you know, it did! Gratis to my mutant powers of luck.

Pero after a while paubos na rin ang dessert. So I thought that resistance is futile. This has got to be it. No turning back. I held on to the box that held ‘the ring’. The ring that rules all the other rings; the ring that holds the key to my future, the ring that may just make me ‘disappear’…pero hindi ako nawala (nasa loob kasi ng box, stoped!). This is it na talaga!. Seize the moment. ‘Forward the light brigade! Charge for the guns!’. Carefully choosing my words, as the conversation continued on about how we should go ahead with our lives, I took out the box, opened it with one swift motion and said; ‘Ryn, let’s get married’…she sat there speechless for awhile as her eyes started to moisten…’Did I do something wrong?!’ She’s taking too long! ‘Lumampas na ba ang romantic moment and I just missed it?!’ ‘Do I have to wait another 3 years before I get to ask her again?!!’ She looked around at the Family Restaurant (Saizeria) we were in and smiled (or was she laughing?) as she said; ‘yes’.

Sinagot ako ni Caryn on October 27, 2001. Para akong bangag na high sa ligaya that even my tormenting senpais at work couldn’t help but notice. Some of our friends almost became diabetic din dahil sa tamis ng mga araw ng pagmamahalan when they were with us. Ika nga ni Zarah; ‘Ang Saya-saya!!’.

And although our relationship wasn’t that perfect, we managed to settle our problems before the day ends naman kaya walang naiipon na sama ng loob. Personally though, I had some ‘apprehensions’ about discussing my previous relationship with Alicia dahil I felt na hindi pa ako ganun ka comfortable or emotionally ready. I guess marami pa akong emotional cleaning up and fixing to do when it came to this matter. The subject stuck with Caryn though dahil sa hindi ganun ka discreet na ways ko of parrying her questions. And as what most of us know, when a subject gets stuck, it stays stuck until you do something about it. Para siyang tinga, kailangang i-toothpick para matanggal or else, you’ll end up with bad teeth and or a not so attractive smile (especially if the tinga happens to be malunggay from your ‘laswa’ lunch the day before).

Anyway, I kept avoiding the topic whenever I can until one day tumawag si Alicia and told me that she was in Tokyo. She wanted to meet para maipakilala ang bago nyang boypren na frances. She also wanted to record yung isang english song na ginawa ko that she liked (singer kasi sya). I was in a loss for ideas and didn’t know how to tell Caryn that I’m meeting my ‘ex’. The ‘ex’ that I was not so comfortable telling her about. I felt kasi na baka sumama ang loob ng mahal ko. In a way, I was trying to protect her from myself (cliche ba). So out of stopedity, I made up a see-through lie about meeting a ‘friend’ and that I will be back soon. I didn’t understand why I had to lie but not having opened up about this with her before may have been one of the root causes.

Off I went to meet Alicia and her boypren Felippe (pronounced; feli-pu). We talked for a few and recorded the song. Eto yung problema when I’m doing something related to music, I lose track of time. Kaya ayun, I didn’t notice and realized only when it was already late. I hurriedly said my goodbyes even with their invitations for me to stay and have drinks with them (umuulan daw kasi sa labas and I didn’t have my payongyang).

When I went back to meet with Caryn in my wet-T-shirt look, nakita ko ang worry in her eyes. Hindi ko ma-place kung ano but I also saw something else in those eyes that made me feel guilty. I didn’t want to deal with that now so I just went to her room to dry my rain-wet hair with a towel. In the end though, she didn’t even need to squeeze me about it dahil ‘stoped’ as I was, I proudly made her listen to a ‘new song’ I recorded. Yung song na kinanta ni Alicia (Ay Abaw Tuting!). Siyempre, hindi naman siya nakakuha ng scholarship dito sa Japan dahil sa pagpapa-cute lang so she immediately figured out kung sino yung ‘friend’ na mineet ko. And not the one to just let things pass that easily, she confronted me with the question and out came the truth, straight from the Julius’ mouth. Labas ang galit at hinanakit that she had been keeping for sometime dahil sa avoidance ko ng mga questions nya before. Hindi na rin ako nag-a-argue dahil ako naman ang type na aamin when I know I was wrong. We talked for more than an hour about what the next step for this relationship will be. I felt the moisture in my eyes nung sinabi nya na mag-cool off na lang daw muna kami. I was shouting: ‘Ang pagko-‘cool-off’ ay para lang sa mga artista!!!’ but my lips did not permit for the words to leave my tongue (hindi rin kasi ako ganun ka-forceful or in other words, ‘puny’ ako). It was a difficult emotion to deal with dahil I felt guilty for having kept things secret but I also felt na a ‘cool-off’ was a bit extreme. The only thing left for me it seems was to face the music and tell her the story as it is. Hindi ko ma-explain convincingly kung bakit kinailangan kong itago sa kanya ang pag-meet ko kay Alicia but I tried to show her the whole picture. It was difficult pero it was the only way.

Sabi nga ni Dave Matthews; ‘the space between our wicked lies is where we hope to keep safe from pain’. We lie sometimes to keep ourselves from getting hurt. We lie to keep the people around us from getting hurt. But as I was trying keep Caryn away from the demons that haunted me, I inflicted upon her the pain of being an outsider in a relationship that we were supposed to share. It’s difficult to foresee these kinds of conflicts and it seems that the only way around it is to take them as they come. Learn from the experience and recharge in preparation for the next one. I wasn’t giving up that easily on the best thing that happened to my life…and luckily for me, she wasn’t either.

In the next weeks that followed that ‘event’ at the Shimokitazawa train station I struggled sa panliligaw ko kay Caryn. I planned, calculated, simulated, re-simulated and even schemed kung paano i-wo-work out ang mga strategies that I have learned through friendly advice, stories, movies, tv, komiks, ate charo, etc. Pero in the end, hindi rin ma-implement ang mga tactics na nabuo dahil they disappeared like bubbles in the air when at last she’s in front of me. Hindi lang talaga siguro ako magaling sa planning dahil my life was instinct driven (luckily tumatama naman most of the time). I wanted to change my ways dahil I felt na being an adult (assuming I was one), dapat pinag-iisipan ng mabuti ang mga sensitive decisions, especially big steps like this one. Ideal thinking. Pero mahirap talagang talikuran ang mga nakasanayan nang paraan. In the words of pareng Peter C. pa nga; it’s a ‘hard habet to brek’.

So there I was, back to my old ways, not being able to resist the tidal waves of emotions from taking me far into the oceans of unknown depths. Palagay ko, this was the reason kung bakit ako palagi ang nalulunod whenever my family goes to have a swim sa Aidsisa (kung saan may river). Hindi kasi ako marunong lumangoy pero for some reason, hindi rin ako makuntento at mapalagay sa mabababaw na sections ng ilog. So although unintentional, I find myself drawn to the deeper side (luke?). And realizing only when it’s too late to turn back, I fight for dear life habang nag-fa-flash back na ang mga memories of childhood in my mind (signs na malapit ka nang mag-bye-bye sa mundo). Buti na lang each time this happens, may nakakapansin sa nag-sa-struggle (a.k.a. nagwawala) kong mga kamay and pull me up just before I was ready to give up. I was hoping and wishing kasi na dun sa sinasabi nilang ‘malalim na part ng ilog’, there will be a clearing that will not be as deep. And for being adventurous enough, I will be the first to discover it. A prize my heart so craved for.

Back to the present, I was feeling those same ‘deep river tendencies’ I had then. I should have learned by now dahil ilang beses na akong muntik malunod with depression and desperation after a few lost attempts on relationships. Pero what the heck, eto na naman ako, ready for another shot at testing the waters. If my instincts were correct, then I may just be on the verge of finding that long cherished clearing in the river deep.

It is interesting how I can come up with such courage to jump into the river each time. Ito siguro ang feeling ng mga taong, after looking for so long, at last ay nahanap din ang purpose sa buhay. They are willing to give it everything they can, knowing that if they didn’t they would probably end up unhappy anyway. Good luck sa kanila dahil I felt na I have found mine.

It was a cool October night in Japan and kakatapos lang nina Caryn mag-practice ng ‘Singkil’ for their upcoming cultural presentation (they have this international cultural day kasi sa dorm). I have already made known my intentions to her and I was trying to earn the proverbial ‘pogi points’ by being around as much as I can to help sa preparations when needed. Medyo madilim na when they finished and we were walking back to their dorm para maghapunan. Everybody was busy talking, excited about the performance habang ang mahal ko naman ay maasim na ngumingiti at iika-ika dahil sa dami ng beses na naipit ang paa sa kawayang ginagamit nila sa sayaw. I didn’t know how to comfort her and was thinking of ways on how to when I felt the sudden urge to hold her hand. I tried to fight the feeling dahil sa dyahe (shy-type pa rin naman kasi ako kahit papaano) pero the ‘call of the river’ was too strong. So throwing away all the apprehensions, I once again made that step into the unknown and quietly held her hand. I waited for the familiar drowning feeling to come pero my feet felt solid ground…She didn’t let go.

Looks like I found that long cherished clearing in the deep river after all. Ay abaw ah!

Soshigaya is a dormitory for foreign students studying here in the Tokyo area. Iba’t ibang nationalities ng mga estudyante ang tumitira rito during their first year in Japan…the environment inside the dorm is so different from outside (japan) that it makes you feel like you’re in a different country sometimes. There are some members of the international student community though na hindi rin nag-e-english so most of the time, since nag-la-language training din naman ang lahat, Japanese becomes the equalizer (marami din kasing magaganda from this group so you have to really try and reach out to them…:)). The only times na hindi kailangan ang ‘spoken word’ are during the parties na ino-organize ng mga students themselves. May basement ang dorm kung saan kahit gaano kaingay ang mga tao, hindi sila maririnig ng surrounding Japanese community (itinatawag kasi sa mga pulis ang mga maiingay rito sa Japan). Maganda rin yata ang sound-proofing ng basement kaya kahit anong lakas ng bass ng sound system, hindi magugulo ang ‘WA’ ng mga peaceful Japanese neighbors.

In one of these parties (one organized by the ‘Latino’ students), I met the one who was destined to change my life forever. Itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang Caryn Virginia Gantioqui Paredes. The first time we met was on the dance floor. We got introduced, looked at each other, said our civil ‘Hi!’ then went off to dance with the other students na nagwawala sa dancefloor. My memories of that night was also clouded with Jinro (Korean liquor) and Nihonshu (Japanese sake) kaya I didn’t really remember anything else of her until we met again sa isang party in another international dormitory (Komaba) organized by a Senior (Senpai). I asked for her number casually along with so many other new pinoy students that came that year. It was this time when I noticed how attracted I was to her.

The next few weeks, I started texting (‘cmail’ for some of us here) her messages of no emotional significance to my lovelife like; ‘hello, kumusta na?’, ‘Hi! How was your day?’ and ‘Hello! Bobombahin na raw ng North Korea ang Japan’…evidence of just how bulok my style was. Still, I wondered why her answers were either short (like; ‘okay lang’) or none at all. This went on for some time until one day, I had to ask her something and wrote her name on the text message (something like: ‘Caryn, how’s your weekend pala?’). Para akong nabuhusan ng snow + hailstones when she answered; ‘Juls, si Donna to…he he…’. I was smiling (the type na ginagawa ng mga malapit nang mabuwang) at myself while I bumped my head a few times on the wooden walls of my apartment for a mistake that might as well be equal to broadcasting my ‘initial attempts’ to the entire pinoy student community in Tokyo.

After licking my head wounds (a very hard feat), I gathered my bearings and resumed my first wave of ‘pahangins’. This time though, I decided to just call para sigurado. One of the first times I did so was on a sunny Sunday afternoon, on my way home to my apartment from Soshigaya. I was in a place called Shinjuku with nothing to do and kako, ‘hey me! manood kaya tayo ng sine’. Pero parang anlungkot naman kung mag-isa akong pupunta. So after going through and practicing various opening lines, I called Caryn and said ‘Hi! Nandito pala ako sa Shinjuku, want to meet me here? Nood tayo ng sine’. There! done in one breathe…to which she happily replied: ‘Sorry, I can’t, Tina-tatoo ko pa yung dorm mates ko eh’. I didn’t realize how out of touch I was with the Filipino dating game, having forgotten that if you want to invite a girl for a date, you give her enough time to think about it and ‘DAPAT SUSUNDUIN MO SYA!’…one fact of Filipino-life na halos sumampal sa akin after finishing our short, but very civil conversation. Kaya ayun, mag-isa akong tumawa at umiyak watching ‘Planet of the Apes’.

I was not about to give up though dahil habang tumatagal, I was feeling more and more attracted to her. I went for the ‘Phone call Barrage’ technique this time. Usually with nothing much to say pero I kept on it until na-convince ko sya at last to have coffee with me.

The date was fixed: Sunday, 4PM, Shimokitazawa (a place where lots of young Japanese like to hang out). I arrived at the train station just a bit after 4PM but was earlier than she is so I had time to compose myself, simulating kung ano ang mga pag-uusapan namin and how I will be very cool without over doing it and ending up pa-kyut. After a few minutes of waiting, there she was, an apparition of beauty coming down the stairs of the Shimokitazawa station to the tune of Roy Orbison’s Pretty woman (umaandar na naman ang internal BGM system ko). ‘Nice Gang!’ was all I can think of. And as I led my angel (anghel ba!) to the Café, all I can think was the song: ‘This is the day, this is day, that the Lord has made (that the Lord has made). I will rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad in it (and be glad in it)’.

We talked…and talked…and talked…and talked about so many interesting things but my proposition of attraction. Ang galing! She was so good at this craft of evasive maneuvering that I didn’t really find any opportunity to express what I had planned to say. I tried to guide the conversation towards topics touching on relationships and how nice it would be to be in one blah blah blah, but to no avail dahil para siyang Jean Grey and read my not so discreet ways.

Nauubos na ang kape at tinapay which signaled the end of our little coffee chat. Nag-pa-panic na ang isip ko dahil it seem that we are bound to part ways without me making any decent developments in my attempt to open up what this heart had been pounding for in the past two months and was bursting for in the past hour. We went out of the Café and was now going up the stairs papunta sa ticket entrance of Shimokitazawa station habang ang puso ko naman ay nag-ba-bounce back and forth and left and right and everywhere inside me na parang pinball machine. ‘How can I do this!!?’ I thought. Just as I felt I was ready for anything, bakit parang nakagat ‘na naman’ ako ng ahas and back to square one of my emotional snake and ladders?

Knowing that the situation will not improve by itself, I gathered my last fragments of courage. Parang sine; as we were walking towards our separate train platforms, I pulled her to the side and with my heart on the edge of a bungee jump platform, my lips let go of the magic words: ‘Ryn, I’m ‘attracting’ to you’… Yorts.

On my first year sa trabaho dito sa Tokyo, I met my second wave of culture-shock courtesy of my Japanese seniors (senpais) at work.

I was the first foreigner sa company kaya medyo hirap sila on how to act towards me. Kung hapon kasi ako, my ‘work-outside-work’ would have consisted of doing errands and making sure na mas madali nilang magagawa ang kanilang mga trabaho (as I have observed with my Japanese batchmate). In return, they will teach me the trade of repairing ‘la—zer’ machines na sini-service ng company namin.

Pero dahil nga iba ang thinking ko kesa conventional ‘japanese kohai (junior)’, hindi ko sila masyadong pinapansin and I just contented myself with studying the English manuals na readily available din naman sa office. Hindi ko alam if this act was the source of their insecurity towards me dahil after a while, I felt na I was being left out sa mga trainings and projects na ina-announce through email…which, di ko rin kasi maintindihan masyado dahil mababaw lang ang language skills ko. I only learned through my batchmate, na mabait din and shared the info with me. Sama nga lang dawn ng loob nya dahil hindi ko man lang shini-share ang pagpapahirap ng mga ‘senpais’ sa kanya.

After two months of working in the office, hindi pa rin ako nakakakuha ng seryosong trabaho dahil from what my bubwit (batchmate) was saying; my senpais were saying; they don’t know me that well daw at ayaw nilang malagay ang pangalan nila sa alanganin by delegating work to me. I didn’t really mind pero our performance was rated according to the quality and quantity of work we were doing. And now work means no performance rating kaya medyo panic na ako.

It was then that I resolved to let go of my pride and do what my batchmate was doing (sa pilipinas, this would equal to ‘bootlicking’) dahil this seemed to be the only way. Dito nagsimula ang aking proverbial calvary. The language and culture barriers where there na kasi in the first place, and I was a ‘stoped’ beginner in the world of ‘LA—ZERS’. I was a slave to their bidding; ‘Takbo!’, ‘Buhat!’, ‘Play dead!’…where my daily chores pero kako, sige lang, I’m gonna ride this wave if it’s the last thing I do. I was starting to get (emotionally and psychologically) tired during this time though.

Sa sobrang pagod minsan, nagkakamix-mix na ang tagalog-english at japanese ko…another item na paboritong i-point out ng mga senpais ko (ika nila; ‘Wake Wakaranai’ or ‘Unintelligible’ daw). It’s very easy to forget that you’re Filipino sometimes pag ganitong araw-araw kang na-bo-bombard ng ‘cultural bombs’ (be it the good or bad side of the culture).

I needed the release! And I found it in a place called Soshigaya. I’m glad ang mga sumunod sa akin dito sa Japan from TUP-Visayas were very accommodating and fun dahil they provided me with the release valve for my pent-up stress (aka; ‘Ketchup Bursts’ in the making). Soshigaya dormitory was quite far from where I lived (2 Hrs by train) but they were more than willing to let me stay in their rooms for the night (every friday). Besides, we had our basketball games till 11PM and drinking sessions afterwards till 3AM na there was just no way I could get home after. Hindi naman ako magaling mag-basketball pero I welcomed the relief of sweating and huff-puffing from running around the court. It took my mind off the pressures of work and helped me gain some perspective of the situation at a more relaxed state.

And relaxed was what I was with my Budweiser in one hand and Jinro (Korean Liqour) glass on the other. We got drunk while listening to Eraserheads, Rivermaya and every once in a while some Askal. Sa sobrang saya pa nga namin, yung iba sa mga nakakasabayan naming mga Koreans at Russians at the dormitory canteen eventually joined our drinking sessions. Natuwa kasi sila sa mga sayawan ng mga lasing na pinoy (he he). It felt so good to know na I had found a family away from home. A feeling, I know some other students here know very well.

But after sometime, nagkahiwa-hiwalay na rin ang grupo dahil most of the students had to transfer to their own apartments (one year stay lang kasi ang allowed sa dorm). This experience though is something that will not be forgotten and I am forever grateful for these nights of brain-cell bonfires and friendship.

Back at work, I eventually got the hang it. My Japanese was a bit more tolerable and my senpais got used to my broken speech. This was also the time when I found out na my senpais were just as trapped in the system as I felt when I first came in. Meron din kasi silang mga seniors that basically, still order them around until now (Barking ‘run!’, ‘skip!’, ‘play-dead!’ all the time). Di pa rin nagbago ang mga senpais ko, but the fact that I understood the reasons for their actions was enough for me to be able to adjust.

In our field (electronics) kasi, technology then, was passed on from senpai to kohai, and if you want the knowledge, you have to earn the respect from your teacher first. Give and take; you help them—they help you. Mochitsu-Motaretsu…an idea of great influence to this society I am in but was not existent in the Halls of Friday night Soshigaya, Japan.

When I first arrived at the dormitory in Osaka, the only Filipino who met us was Ruby, a senior from the South of Philippines (hindi ko na matandaan ang specific place). My group was quite tired after the long flight but personally, I was quite relieved to know that somebody even cared na nakarating na ako sa Japan. Nung nasa Pinas pa lang kasi and especially while on the plane papunta rito, I was full of anxiety as to what will happen to me in the next few days after I arrived. This was not my first trip abroad dahil I went to Taiwan back in high school but that was with the Boyscouts kaya I had my ‘support’ group with me. This time though, I felt, I was on my own. At wala na ring bawian dahil I was scheduled to stay here for the next 3 years.

Nagpakilala lang si ‘Senpai’ Ruby (Senpai being the Japanese way of addressing your senior) dahil we didn’t have much time to chat being tired from the biyahe. Pero it made a lot of difference to me when she said; ‘Tawag lang kayo kung may kailangan or problema’. Very soothing words that helped me get through my first night in this foreign land.

The next day, after going through the registrations that we had to finish sa language school at city hall, I felt na our batch of Filipino students were starting to gel together more. We did lots of things together kasi and it helped tighten (as in ‘toight as a toiger’) the bonds existing between us. We were actually making it through this initial shock of being ‘foreigners’ and we were doing it hand-in-hand. As one ‘tribe’ you might say.

And then came the other ‘senpais’. Besides Ruby kasi, there were apparently other senior students that lived in our dorm and in the neighborhood. Okay lang naman dahil it was good to know na marami pang mga pinoy sa dorm. They even invited us for dinners and small parties sa mga bahay nila and it was fun. Pero I didn’t understand the pressure I felt of having to listen to them religiously whenever they wanted to come over sa dorm to talk (para kasi silang nag-se-‘sermon on the mount’ when they talked about their experiences). They were nice in giving us all sorts of advice (na hindi ko naman makita kung paano ko gagamitin then) but by this time, I felt na dahil I survived the first few weeks with my ‘tribe’ mates (Filipinos and Foreigners alike), I’m bound to get over the rest of my term here with or without their help. Hindi rin ako ganun ka-sociable though. So that may have been another factor.

Having just arrived from the Pinas, hindi pa ako familiar sa Senpai-Kohai (Senior-Junior) relationships that most of the Filipino Senpais seem to have conveniently absorbed in their systems (for the hapones kasi, ‘senpai knows best’) kaya I was a bit confused why I felt na kailangan ko silang i-accommodate each time (tsaka medyo malakas pa ang dating nung iba kung minsan). Maybe it’s just me, but wala naman akong utang na loob sa kanila (besides senpai Ruby I guess, na I felt grateful for welcoming us nung first day) so I didn’t feel I owe them. Worst, just when I thought na their advices may just be useful, they conveniently stopped coming over.

Anyway, I was right about surviving first year. Medyo mahirap lang sa simula dahil hindi ako marunong mag-nihonggo and I was adjusting to the new culture but with the help of my ka-tribu that are as ‘unexperienced’ as I am, parang okay na rin. I was still wondering though about why the other senpais acted the way they did. I’m sure they have their reasons but I felt na I’ll never know until I myself became one (that is, when the new comers arrive). I didn’t feel so good about their actions though so I vowed not to walk the same path they had. And was I surprised…

Isa sa mga pinakapinasasalamatan ko sa tatay ay ang pag-uwi nya ng isang CD component system from Saudi Arabia nung 1985. Quite rare sya for a middle-class family like ours. I was also amazed at how you could play very nice quality music from a mirror-like disc (nasanay kasi ako sa cassette tapes then). Nagdala rin sya ng dalawang CDs; ang Boney M (yung kumanta ng ‘..In the river of Babylon’) and a group called ‘the Cars’.

There are times na ako lang ang naiiwan sa bahay kaya nae-encourage akong I-test ang volume limits ng CD component namin. Para hindi mag-reklamo ang kapitbahay naming si Tyo Nato (the Ma-oy), sinasarado ko ang lahat ng bintana and pintuan. My favorite piece for these ‘sinigabong’ tests ay ang ‘Shake it up’ ng the Cars. And at 3/4 ng max volume, aalingawngaw ang boses ni Ric Ocasek sa buong Purok Mainuswagon (plywood lang kasi ang windows namin kaya hindi rin effective na sound dampener).

In these deafening moments, I discovered; ‘the Dance’. Isang amalgamation (he he, bigword!) ng different styles na na-absorb ko sa panunood ng TV. Araw-araw mo kasing makikita ang MTV ng ‘Thriller’ at ‘Beat it’ ni Micheal Jackson, ‘Like a Virgin’ ni Madonna at ‘What a feeling’ ni Irene Cara. There’s also movies like ‘Xanadu’, ‘Flash Dance’ and ‘Breakdance’ that have become major influences. Hindi ako fan ni Maricel then (‘shake body, body dancer’) kaya my moves would look very strange to the then ‘in’ crowd. Pero when I was in this state of ‘the Dance’, wala akong pakialam sa mundo (kahit sumisigaw na si Tyo Nato sa katabing bahay). I would sweep our sala with moves that only a madman can imagine. I would step up sa bangko with one foot, jump up using that foot as leverage then turn to jump back to the ground (nai-imagine nyo?). I would also go to one end of the Persian carpet (galing kasi Saudi tatay ko) then like a gymnast, take a few steps forward then leap and…hindi ko na ma-express but you know how Kurt Thomas did it sa mat during the Olympics (or do you?). Napapatigil lang ako pag may kakatok ng malakas sa pinto (usually isa sa mga yaya or si nanay) or ang more common case, pag nabunggo ako sa banko or mesa or sometimes sa pader dahil sa reckless abandon. ‘The Dance’ was my form of release from the pressures of Mathematics at school (the only subject then na for some reason hindi ko maintindihan).

Natigil lang sya totally nung masira ang CD component namin (palagay ko dahil sa Kuh Ledesma CD na binili ng nanay). But by then I was already in high school and pwede na akong pumunta sa mga ‘Bayle’ ng Purok at school dances. I had to adjust though dahil hindi sanay ang mga tao na may tuma-tumbling tumbling sa paligid nila to the tune of ‘How Gee’. So I learned the modern dance moves. I learned the staple ‘Cha-cha’ para masabayan ko ang mga pinsan ko sa dance floor. I even joined the Folk Dance and Theatre groups if just to see kung mahahanap ko doon ang na-experience ko sa sala namin.

Nakakamiss ang ganung feeling of release. Kung minsan kasi, kahit na sabihin pa nating bigay todo na ang sayaw, deep inside nandun pa rin ang isang part ng sarili natin na nag-ho-hold back or naglilimit sa sarili in an attempt to conform to what is expected or what is the norm. So in effect, kaya nating mag-wala pero still within our set controlled environments.

For a long time, kinalimutan ko ang pagsasayaw like children would try to forget fairy tales dahil adults na raw sila. But the thing is, ang pagsasayaw ay parang pag-ba-bike. When you get the hang of it, hindi na pwedeng I-unlearn. That’s why lately, when I do get the opportunity, muling nabubuhay ang Moonwalker at Thriller ni Micheal Jackson on the dancefloors of Japan.

Note: For reference, maganda ring idagdag sa repertoire of moves ang mga sayaw ni James Brown at Jay Kay ng Jamiroquai. Wala kasing acrobatics na involved pero ang cool.